I’ve been up for 20 minutes, and I’m already crabby as f*ck.
My morning:
6:30 am, I’m sound asleep.
BIT: “Mom.” Poke, poke, poke. “Mom.”
Me: Hmmmmm?
BIT: Will you curl my hair?
Me: Mmhmmm
I stumble out of bed, into her room, sit down and curl her hair.
BIT: These curls look stupid.
Me: You’re welcome.
I go downstairs to make her lunch, still half asleep. A few minutes later, BIT appears in the kitchen, wearing a stretchy, sparkly headband around her head ala Pocahontas or Olivia Newton-John in the ’80′s “Physical” music video. What. The. F*ck?!?!
Me: Are you really wearing your hair like that? It looks ridiculous.
BIT: (smirking) Ya.
Me: No way. You are not. You’re kidding right? (I thought she was.)
BIT: No, I’m wearing it like this.
She disappears. I figure she’s changing the monstrosity that she has created on her head. How f*cking stupid am I? I go back to making her lunch when I hear “Ehhhhh, ehhhhhhhhhh, ehhhhhhhhhhhh.” Huge *ss whining, coming from none other than what I thought was soundly sleeping Lil BIT. F*CK!!!!
Me: BIT, can you go check on your sister, and bring her down if she’s awake?
BIT and Lil BIT emerge. One looking like a she stepped right out of a cheesy ’80s teen flick, the other all pissy and whiny.
Lil BIT: I want Daddy.
Me (Grrrrrrrrrr) Daddy’s at work.
Lil BIT: But, I WANT DADDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: Sorry, can’t help you with that. You can either stay down here and be satisfied with me, or go back upstairs and whine about it in your room. (She chose the latter.)
Then I take on BIT. Serioulsy, I CANNOT believe she’s going to school looking like this. She’s in 7th grade, for f*cks sake. HELLO!!! Girls are mean. Does she really need to provide some insecure b*tch a reason to make sh*t outta her? All I wanna do is protect her, help her make good choices, but f*ck if I’m gonna win this war today.
Me: You seriously are wearing that to school today?
BIT: (so smug and self-satisfied): Yep. (I’ll show you, I’m asserting my independence, and there’s not a G-D DAMN thing you can do about it, so there.)
Me: Fine. Do what you want. BUT…you better keep that on your head all day long. If some mean, b*tchy bully comes up to you and makes fun of you, you better not give a sh*t and have the balls to look her staight in the eye and tell her: “I like it, and I really don’t give a crap what you say.” You better walk tall, be prepared to stand up for yourself, and not care about what anyone else has to say. You are making a choice, and I’m NOT dealing with any tears later.
BIT: Whatever.
Lil BIT: (bounding down the stairs) I want Daddy.
OOOOOOMMMMMMMMFFFFFFFFFFFFGGGGGGGGGGGGG.
Me: (ignoring that last statement) Do you want some shake milk (what she calls chocolate milk, don’t ask)
Lil BIT: no answer.
Me: A little louder: DO YOU WANT SHAKE MILK.
Lil BIT: Daddy makes it better. You make it blechy.
Me: Tough sh*t. I’m here. He’s not. You want mommy’s crappy shake milk or no shake milk at all. Those are your choices, kiddo.
Before she answers, it’s time for BIT to go to the bus stop. I say good bye. G-d forbid I watch her out the window, about a month ago she told me I look like a creeper when I watch her. I told her she’s lucky I don’t hold her hand and walk her to the bus stop. That’s a story for another time.
As I’m letting the dog out of her crate, Lil BIT decides she’ll have some of my sucky *ss shake milk. Oh joy.
Ginny, the dog, races down the stairs.
Lil BIT: MOMMMMMMYYYYYYYYY. Ginny just kicked me in the face.
Me: Get up off the floor.
Lil BIT: MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! Ginny just stepped on my hair.
Me: GET UP OFF THE FLOOR.
Lil Bit settles on the couch, shake milk that obvioulsy tastes like sh*t in hand, tells me she’s cold. I throw a blanket over her. Maybe she’ll go back to sleep for a while. Maybe??? Yeah, not a f*cking chance in hell. I put the tv on, her request, as always…”Big Bang Theory.” It’s totally normal for that to be a 5 year old’s favorite show. It is. Really…
Big Bang is on, dog is fed and let out, BIT is at school, hopefully not allowing anyone to step all over her, and acting like the big shot she seems to think she is.
Took a xanax, got my coffee, sat down to write. I f*cking feel better already.
So there you have it. Every button of mine was pushed this morning. I’m sofa king tired I can’t see straight. Next stop…the couch. A looooong movie is going on for Lil BIT, my eyes are closing, and I’m taking a nap…as soon as she’s done asking me to spell every word under the f*cking sun for her so she can make a “list.”
I’m keeping my fingers crossed that the day can only go up from here.
And for all of you who are now jonesing to compare my last post with this one, stop yourselves right there and control your urges .
I still say being a mother isn’t a job, so put that in your pipe and smoke it. Or in the pocket of your mom jeans. I don’t f*cking know or care for that matter.
Now it’s nappy time. Catch you B*tches later!
Smooches! xoxoxo
It can only get better from that point…right?
I sure fucking hope so. Just woke up from my nap
Lmaoooo!! Thanks once again for making me lmao!
I’m home today with my little sick guy…. And I needed a laugh!
Ha, you’re welcome! Hope he feels better!
Is is to early for some whiskey with your coffee?
Great idea!
I was like this ALL DAY yesterday. The only solution is babysitters and alcohol.
Totally! I just woke up from my nap, let’s see how the rest of the day goes!!!
Bahaha! My 6 year old loves to look like an 80′s popstar! She often wears a head band. I draw the line at stripes mixed with dots mixed with stars- probably bedazzled and in shockingly clashing shades of colour. She’s pretty tough though, no ones made fun of her…YET!
My 5 year old walks around in some pretty fucked up outfits as well. Other little kids think its awesome. Seventh grade though, I don’t know. We’ll have to see. Regardless, one of us will be eating crow later!!!
My 6-yr-old likes watching Big Bang Theory too! I thought she was the only kid that age that had a strange interest in that show. And we don’t even watch it regularly; its occassionally on at my parent’s house. It caused her to ask what SEX was. Cringe!
Thanks for this! My 10 year old wore a cape to school today…LMAO! I asked her if she thought it was a good choice and she said ” It’s an awesome choice….Mom!” Might I add, she was also wearing bright pink leggings with it!
You do realize that you don’t get to be mad about girls making fun of your daughter for doing something different when you make fun of girls online because they are different from you. Especially because your daughter will eventually read mommy’s blog, facebook, and twitter and realize you are that person.
Luke,
Do you ALWAYS have to take what is fun ball busting of adults over the age of consent and turn it into us being “mean”? BIBS is all about fun, and if you can’t take a joke then there’s the door.
Have YOU ever been a 7th grade girl? It’s a whole different world, and trust me, different rules apply.
Anyone who doesn’t like our comments, ideas or insights, doesn’t have to subscribe to them.
WE unlike 7th grade girls, are never out to intentionally hurt or disrespect another person.
Have a great day Bitches!!! xoxooxx
Exactly, Bitch!!! Couldn’t have said it better myself!
Thanks for the advice, Luke. You are one brilliant motherfucker. I truly don’t know what I’d do without your brilliant comments.
You are not a woman, maybe if you were, you’d have the slightest inkling of what women are all about.
I have one question for you, if this blog bothers you so much, why do you continue to read it?
Go find something to do that makes you happy, and leave us the fuck alone.
Can you use the word ” because” just one more time?? Please??
Luke, honestly you haven’t got a clue what you are talking about!!
This particular blog was dead on! 7th grade girls are mean as all hell! I was one and I have one…you better have the balls to stand up for yourself,
And not take shit from anyone, if you are going to look/be/or
Act different…..or confirm. Yep… 2 choices. Crying and whining doesn’t cut it.
Get a life, and until you know what you are talking
About…. STFU!?
I’m make that conform, not confirm… Lol
Yeah! Cool it ladies. The cock has spoken! Now STFU and make his GD dinner.
LMAO!!!
O.M.G. literally laughed out loud as I read this!! Thank you (as always) for making my day brighter with laughter!! It is so refreshing to have a bitch’s perspective on parenting issues rather than some DM who would never approve of how we do things or our bitchy take on things (not that I give a fuck though what they think)!! I’m sad to say that I’m already having the “clothes wars” as I call them with my BIT who is only in third grade…. OMFG, I can’t wait until she’s a teen (insertion of major sarcasm here)!!
Thanks again for the laughs! Keep ‘em coming!
You got it, bitch! Big fat hugs to you! Keep laughing
I can imagine your BIT will start a new trend instead! lol And I want to thank you for the term “shake milke” as we have used it since we met. lol My bit now tells me that she is giving up shake mile in a sippy when she’s 6 next moth! But not actual “shake milk”.
And I think I know who Luke is. He’s really the Torksy next door..bwahhh
Bwaaaahaha! It’s totally him!!!
I just found your blog today and this was hilarious! Thanks for the laugh! I don’t have any girls though. 3 boys, what’s the acronym for them?
Thanks!!!!
Bitch 2 refers to hers as a DIT lol
Haha, thank you, because i forgot for 2 seconds why i don’t want kids. Did BIT get beat up??
Fuck no. She kept it on, despite people asking her about it, then changed it when it started to itch, LOL! She’s such a kick ass kid!
I think you should offer Luke a guest posting spot.
I think YOU should!
Reminds me when my BIT decided to wear cowgirl boots pretty much everyday from Thanksgiving forward to school (except P.E. days). This year she likes her “Jessie” boots (red sparkly boots from Toy Story) Hey, sista, more power to ya! I say, give them a fair warning and you did the right thing by telling her to stick up for herself! I tell mine that everyday! Luke, get a life and keep the laughs coming! SMOOCHIE BOOTCHIES!
Hilarious. Thanks for your comment. Smooches to you too!
To make you feel better I went thru a span of…ohhhhhh about two weeks where my son…yes SON, who was 4 at the time, wore one of my headbands all rambo-like to school every effing day. After day two I realized I was losing the battle and told him he could look like a sped if he wanted.
HI LIZZZZ!!!!!!! I love you and you make me laugh so fucking hard. OMG please post a picture of it, I know you took one!
I took the girl shopping a couple Mondays ago because she wanted ‘cute clothes and pretty boots’. She came home with a bag of garments that made her look like Cyndi Lauper and Lady Gaga’s love child. She was happy.
Hahahaha!!! She was happy…love it!!!
Ah, those were the days! …. I mean the days when my doctor would write me a Xanax script! … I miss em.
You need a new doctor lol
OMG!!! love this site!! But just wondering if you have any advice about a MFB of a “husbands mother and sisters.” can’t get myself to say that other word that comes before “in-law.” they are truly bitches but not in the burbs. Thanks for making me laugh!
Too funny! I read that thinking, “was she in my house this morning?!?!”
HIlarious!
UGH!! Holy crap!! Are you sure it’s not a job? Sounds like one to me! Or like unpaid, unappreciated labor, at least. Phew! I am constantly in awe of people who can raise more than one kid, and doubly amazed by those who do it as single parents and/or while also having a career! You all should get paid – or at least like a Xmas bonus!! (BTW- I’m a childless adult in late 30s with no regrets about my choice. I do like kids [other people's kids are great] but am constantly reassured that I’ve made the right choice for myself when I hear stuff like this. I just wouldn’t have the patience for kids. Happy to be the “fun auntie” who takes your kids for the afternoon or weekend when you feel like you do in the story above
)
Oh – ok – oops! I just read your previous post/excellently composed rant about SAHMs. I get it now. Sorry.
Oh, and DAMN people got feisty about that post! Wow! I am learning so much from your blog, like don’t mess with repressed, self-important, self-identified SAHMs!! (unless you wanna get into a scrap!) Some of the responses to your SAHM post sound like a tightly-wound Betty Draper cut loose! Jeez!
OMG I was like wtf is going on here!!! I had no concept of why those women even chose to hit a link that was called Bitches in the Burbs. They are the exact people who make my life so entertaining and so intolerable at the same time. Glad you notice it, and also glad you found us!
I RARELY read blogs …. YOU are F*king HYSTERICAL! Thank you for making my day and telling it like it is.
Now THAT made my day!!! Thanks, bitch
You’re kind of a freak.
What “bad things happening to mean people” are you referring to.
BTW, just because you use big words, it doesn’t make you intelligent, or even remotely smart.