Lil BIT and I went shopping today. Most people loathe shopping with their kids, not me. I’m raising two kick *ss shoppers. They know style, trends, what’s cute and what is so f*cking ugly that I wouldn’t put it on to pick up dog sh*t. Think this isn’t something to brag about? Well then, you’re reading the wrong f*cking blog. It makes me beam with pride. My kids don’t even complain when we’re not shopping for them. That says a lot, not just about their love of fashion, but about the fact that they can do for others with out complaining. So there, DM f*ckheads, stick it where the sun doesn’t shine.
Okay, so we’re at Macy’s. I saw the most amazing INC sweater the other day, and I had to go back and get it. I HAD to. We made our way through the different designers, finding other items to try on. With my arms loaded, we finally got to the dressing room. I let Lil BIT admire herself and dance in the mirror for like 37 seconds, then I had her park it on the chair. My turn!
I started trying on clothes, when all of a sudden, from 2 dressing rooms over I began to hear a conversation.
Someone was in there, on the phone with her friend. The friend was on speaker phone, obviously so that the girl could try on clothes and talk at the same time. Speaker phone is f*cking genius!
This is what I heard coming from the phone: “Over a F*CKING TV? You have got to be f*cking kidding me!” That was it. I knew. I didn’t even have to see her face. This chick was a total b*tch, in the most complimentary sense of the word. Me…who hates pretty much everyone, could tell, without a f*cking doubt, that this was most definitely one of my peeps.
As I tried on the rest of my clothes, her conversation continued with her friend, f-bombs being dropped every other word. Holy sh*t, I never give a flying rat’s *ss about knowing anyone, but for some reason, I felt the need to meet this funny f*cking girl, and at least tell her about our website. I mean, come the f*ck on…she so belongs here.
I finished up with my sh*t, picked out what I wanted to buy, and as slowly as I could, made my way to the register. Lil BIT was being herself, funny as f*ck, but at this point, getting a little antsy. I paid for my sh*t, dug a BIBS business card outta my purse, and the chick still wasn’t outta the dressing room. Hmmm….what to do. Better question, why the f*ck did I care?
So here goes…..
I say to Lil BIT, “Come on, we’re going back in the dressing room.” OMFG, seriously, I need my head examined. Lil BIT’s like, “Why are we going back in the dressing room, Mommy, you already bought your clothes?” (Translation: Mommy, you are f*cked, you need your head examined.) I say, “Just sit down right there on that chair. Don’t move.” And then…
I f*cking knocked on that woman’s dressing room door. Yes. I. Did. Who the f*ck does sh*t like this. Apparently me. ME. Hello!!!!! WTF.
Well…she opened the door and I was right. Total kindred spirit. So cute, trying on cute clothes. Hot f*cking damn, I am good. Here’s what happened:
Me: “Hi, you’re gonna think I’m totally f*cking crazy, but I heard your convo with your friend, and you f*cking cracked me up.”
Her: “OMG hilarious!”
Me: “Seriously, I have never done anything like this before, I can’t even believe I just f*cking knocked on your dressing room door.”
I told her about Bitches in the Burbs, pretty much telling her she belonged, gave her a few cards, and again was like, “OMFG, no way did I do this” I mean come the f*ck on. She was like, “I thought you were gonna be the lady bringing me more outfits. You’re so cute.”
So there you have it. I was kind of a b*tch stalker today. WTF. I don’t f*cking talk to anyone I don’t already know isn’t gonna annoy the sh*t outta me. I guess I learned that I can pick out another b*tch no matter what. Blindfold me and spin me around, I can tell if I’m gonna like you in 10 seconds flat.
So…to my new bestie from Macy’s, if you made it here…welcome! You found your new home. Actually, you’re one of the few who know who I am and what I look like. Lucky b*tch! All the best to you!!!!!
Love to all my B*tches. Doing crazy sh*t is fun. You never know what’s gonna happen next!
Smooches!!! xoxoxo
Bitch please, that is fabulous! I really wish women would talk to each other more – tell a bitch when she is fabulous! I tell chicks all the time when their outfit or shoes are cute, compliment great hair or lipstick.
Bitches are a powerful force and if we shared our bitch love more often, we could take over the world.
Angi,
Women are totally power and don’t even realize the force we have over one another. I also tell women all the time when I see something fabulous about them.
Bitch love,
Kort
I love that both of you could read this and take away that message from it. I couldn’t agree with you more. I may be a bitch, but I also love to give credit where it’s due. You guys are awesome!!!
Why aren’t you at Macy’s when I’m there? I could use another bitch to talk to.
I need some shopping therapy! I’m going to put that on the calendar for today, right after I finish my mani/pedi. Seriously, I think we were separated at birth!
Ha! Awesome
I wish I knew you IRL! Love it!
You’re f’n Awsome… Thanks for reminding me I need some shopping therapy!!
Who knew you needed business cards for a blog? Genius. Now I gotta go and get some. I’m thinking of getting stickers that I can just put on the mirrors in dressing rooms.
linked in through another totally awesome website that i f*cking love and am so glad that I did. I feel like i’m home. I hate people, not just a little bit, but alot bit, and any b*tch that can make me beam and smile the way reading some of this sh*t today did, you a fellow sisterb*tch. Thank you!!!
Jen, go to vistaprint. You can make them so cool n fun. Thanks again for the shout out. Holy fucking new fans!!! xoxoxi
This post is very funny! Also, I don’t think it’s wierd or wrong to spend time shopping with your kids. Some of my fondest pre-teen & teenage memories are Saturday shopping trips with my mom & sister. Even when we weren’t buying anything, we loved to go window shopping on the weekends, try on clothes and talk about what we’d buy if/when we did have money. It was bonding fun silly girl time in the burbs.
P.S. – got word of your blog from “punch in the throat” and so f**kin’ glad I f**kin’ found you! Thanks for being honest & funny (and foul mouthed!! Love it!)
I laughed so hard at this!! This is classic shit! I agree with Angi, empower another bitch when you see one!! Classic!